leadhership
For me, a D/s relationship is about loving leadership provided by the Dominant and while there are many different components that need to come together to create and build any relationship the addition of kink makes the process a bit more complex than a more traditional vanilla one. In addition to having all the traditional stars align, the couple’s kinky galaxies must also revolve around each other in harmony. One of those kinky stars that must click is the leadership style of the Dominant must match with how a submissive wants to be led. While there is a multitude of components that comprise leadership within a D/s relationship, I have found for myself that it is important to always be a gentleman, explain the ‘whys’, partner with your partner, stay future-focused and help your submissive achieve their dreams.
There are those Dominants who believe that leadership consists of barking orders drill instructor style at a submissive and the submissive saying ‘Sir, yes sir’ to each and every order. The style of leadership I choose to provide is the polar opposite of this militaristic style. For me, there is never an excuse to not be a gentleman when you are leading. Although my partner will be submissive to me, I will not feel the need to order them about. Simple polite suggestions/directions do more than loudest barking of orders. General George Marshall, who was the top general in the United States during World War Two and everything ran through him, never gave orders. He worked hard to build mutual respect and trust with those he led. Even with huge egos and the divisiveness of politics that came into play every day, he always used suggestions or recommendations in place of orders. I believe just like General Marshall, I lead effectively without having give ‘direct’ orders or trying to figure out how to sound like an enraged DI on Paris Island. Leadership does not and should not be harsh, be a gentleman, take your submissive by the hand and lead.
When you were a child, did you have a parent, teacher or coach say “Because I said so” when you asked them why? That is always a frustrating answer for anyone, especially as an adult. I once had a boss who gave me that as a reason. Ugh, it was so infuriating but that’s a story for another day. So not only should you be a gentleman in your leadership style but also share with your partner the reasons for your direction. When someone understands the why behind a decision not only does it help them understand your thought process, also when your amazing submissive understands the reasons why a decision has been made they can understand and appreciate it better. This understanding can take a choice from ‘what is he thinking’ to an ‘oh, that makes perfect sense’ moment. The better a Dominant can communicate the reasons why the easier it becomes for the submissive to understand and buy into the decision.
Another positive outcome from sharing the logic behind a ‘suggestion’ is it continues to foster as well as grow the partnership between Dominant and submissive. I’m sure that everyone who reads this has interacted with the dumbinant who is all knowing, a regular kinky Christ but unfortunately, most Dominants are humans who despite their best efforts screw things up now and again. So when a suggestion is given to a submissive it allows them to respond to it and their reply will provide the Dominant with feedback, which can be used to refine and improve the guidance. Not only has the recommendation improved, the submissive has shared their opinion which allows them to completely buy into the decision and their opinion was heard, respected and valued which reinforces the partnership in life and all things between a Dominant and their submissive.
We have all seen and heard a couple arguing where one side invariably says something to the other about “remember that time when you did this or that” and this type of mentality is something I have observed far too often within the kinky world. A Dominant must keep the relationship looking towards the future. Submissives look to their D-types to provide structure/boundaries/rules/guidelines and no matter how hard they try, they are not perfect either. Just like their imperfect Dominant, they will make mistakes. When an error occurs it is important that the Dominant provide correction (I personally believe in correction, not punishment, yes there is a difference) as well as guidance. The Dominant’s leadership must stay focused on the future, especially during a time like this. By working with the submissive but lead by the Dominant, they will correct the problem and move forward. It is important that the issue is left in the past. Think of it as rowing a boat, while you are rowing you looking back at where you journeyed from, what you have learned, but the boat is always going forward. Correct the problem and then focus on what is next. Never ever have any of those “remember two weeks ago when you…” moments. Fix it, don’t forget it but learn from it and then return your gaze to the future. Also, since we know Dominants do error and make mistakes, it is important that the Dominant owns their errors. If they are holding their partner accountable, they too need to hold themselves accountable. While it might sound silly to some, but if a Dominant had their submissive write lines as part of a correction and the Dominant errors they should pull out that pad of paper and write themselves. It is important that D-type holds themselves to the same standards they expect in their submissive.
One of the greatest joys a Dominant can have is when they play a small part in their submissive achieving a dream. It doesn’t matter if the dream is big or small, the heartfelt joy is amazing. In today’s D/s world something sadly you don’t see as often as you should is a Dominant asking “what are your dreams and let’s plan how to get there”. The myth seems to be that the D-type is a taker and the submissive is a giver. In reality both the Dominant and the submissive need to be giving. The Dominant needs to give to the submissive (Yes online master, it is not you say it and she does it) and use their giving to guide the s-type to achieve dreams big and small. Now the Dominant gets an incredible return on their investment in their partner because as the submissive succeeds they will be returning that same to their Dominant which will help the D-type succeed and achieve as well. So together they form a unique and wonderful relationship where both give to each other and work as a team to achieve more in life then either could do by themselves. I am not saying a D or S type cannot succeed in the world without a partner, that most certainly is not the case but the right D/s relationship can take success to that proverbial next level.
D/s relationships are amazing
and special but also require unique leadership.
While there are many different styles and ways to lead, I believe that
it is import to achieve dreams together, learn from the past but always look
forward to what is next, make sure the submissive is a partner in life rather
than just kink, communicating so the ‘whys’ are always explained and providing
the leadership of a gentleman. There are
many other ways to lead a D/s relationship but this is how I look at things,
what works for me.
As with all of my writings, please see this disclaimer.
©LHS2018